Telling an American You Love Them is a Turn Off

Originally published on http://womenofcolorlivingabroad.blogspot.com/

So against my better judgment I decided to enter (well tiptoe) into the world of dating in South Africa.*  I arrived in South Africa with the intention of not dating anyone during my time here and using this as a period to “cleanse.” Repeated conversations with South African women about the infidelity of South African men, coupled with the fact that the average marrying age here is (I am guessing) 25 so there is a lack of eligible bachelors over 30 and the popularity of beer being apparent in the vast array of male protruding bellies, all served as a confirmation for me to stay far away from dating.  However, after repeated prodding from my coworkers to be more open minded I decided to at least give one of my would be suitors a chance.

I actually enjoyed myself on both of the dates I went on and thoroughly appreciated how chivalrous they both were.  It’s the aftermath of those dates that has me retreating for the hills.  One of my dates, repeatedly told me how much he loved me and was going to marry me at the end of our date. Following my other date, my would be suitor emailed me once, SMS me three times, and called me 5 times all in the next day. 

I did speak to my “I love you” date and tried to explain to him that he doesn’t know me so he can’t possibly love me.  He is francophone and explained that in French there isn’t a word for “like” just “love.” That there are varying degrees of love and his love for me was small but growing every second.  Needless to say this didn’t change my perspective. 

So being the cultural ambassador that I am, I then proceeded to try and explain my culture, particularly in regards to dating, to him. One of the great things about living in another culture is it gives you the unique opportunity to externally view your own culture. I was quite taking aback as I listened to my description of dating in America.  Here is some of what I shared:

• Telling an American when you first meet them and don’t know them that you love them is a turn off. 
• Americans are naturally distrustful.  We believe that trust is earned not given.  As such, we are guarded in our interactions and relationships until we feel that someone is trustworthy.  In dating, this also manifests itself by not initially divulging your feelings, and most of the times not fully sharing your feelings until you know that the other person shares similar feelings.
• We are an individualistic society so we like personal space figuratively and literally.
• Dating in the U.S. is a game.  Sort of like “cat and mouse.”

I discussed my dating predicament with a stateside friend.  We both agreed that first and foremost stalking isn’t sexy! Secondly, though we both had to admit that as much as say we are over the games, we actually somewhat like and need some game.  It’s boring to have everything so easily accessible--nothing to work for.  I want to be chased or courted. I need a little swag.  Telling me to take your number after only saying hi and you want to be my friend is not appealing. I don’t need to know everything you are thinking.  Leave some things to the imagination or for me to guess or at least learn over time.

I also further reflected and realized that I am a Northeast Black American female and I like a well-groomed man that keeps a brush in his car and has a perfect hairline.  Someone who spent time picking out his wardrobe, that can wear a suit and owns multiple suits, and that has a collection of nice smelling colognes, but a signature scent that is all his own.  I also appreciate a scholared (yeah I know its not a real word but just go with it) dude that I can discuss everything from politics to pop culture with.

All in all I realized that I am pretty brainwashed and screwed up in the head. Also, since neither of the guys I went out with were South African, I asked around and found that my experiences are not necessarily indicative of South African men, but I still think I am good on dating in South Africa or at least in my “developed village.” 

Ladies let me know though if I am way off base, just plain crazy or if you have had similar experiences.

* Disclaimer: I am hoping and believing that dating in a city, like Joburg, would be closer to my experiences in the States but alas I live in a rural village/town.  Also, I should divulge that both of the dates I went on were with non-South African men, so maybe my experiences were more reflective of the continent then this country!

Ladies, Do You Know Your Worth?

(Originally posted on http://womenofcolorlivingabroad.blogspot.com/)


One of the more interesting cultural traditions I have learned about during my time here in South Africa is the Lobolo.  It’s a traditional “dowry type” custom where the soon-to-be-groom compensates the soon-to-be bride’s family with cattle or cash to marry the bride. According to Wikipedia* (and yes I am quoting Wikipedia), “the custom is aimed at bringing the two families together, fostering mutual respect, and indicating that the man is capable of supporting his wife financially and emotionally.”

To my understanding, the “groom” will meet with the male heads of the “brides” family, i.e. her father, uncles, etc.  The males will then discuss and debate how much the bride’s Lobolo should be or in other words how much she is worth.  Her value is determined by how much and what type of education she has received, whether or not she is a virgin or has any kids, her age, and her occupation amongst other things.    

My favorite response to someone hitting on me has now become, “you can’t afford my Lobolo.” OK I have to admit I haven’t said this aloud to anyone, but one day I really will, lol.  In the meantime, it has gotten me to thinking, what am I worth and have I been dating people that could afford my Lobolo? (I should state here that many South African couples date for an extended period so the man can save enough to pay the Lobolo)

I am 34, I have no kids, I have an advanced degree, once upon a time I had a “good” job, I speak 2 languages, working on learning 2 more languages, and I am well traveled.  So in this culture my Lobolo would be pretty high (and yes I have asked a couple people for reference).  BTW-I know these are somewhat superficial criterion, but I feel that my non-resume credentials and characteristics are high Lobolo worthy as well! :0)  

What I have realized during my time here is, how much I have dated people that probably couldn’t afford my Lobolo.  As a Black American female, I feel that American society tells me I need to “date down” in order to avoid the statistical plight of the single educated and successful Black female.   While, in South Africa I feel that I don’t need to be ashamed of my successes or feel that they are going to doom me to a life of singledom.  My successes just further increase my worth!!!

So to all my Single “Women of Color Living Abroad,” next time someone questions you about your relationship status or makes you feel guilty about forsaking pursuing a mate for traveling, just let them know you are working on increasing your Lobolo!!!  

-Mei

*Wikipedia never disappoints and has a pretty good write up on the Lobolo. if you would like to learn more.